Posted by: hortonandtheegg | June 4, 2008

Unlikely Friends

Today I had a really long day at work and I got home and wanted to eat some fruit, watch TV, and hit the sack. I got home and let Piper (pictured above) outside to…you know…do his business. So I was standing at the back door minding my own business when 3 feet away from him crawled:


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At this point I was terrified. TERRIFIED. I screamed for Piper in a colorful language to get back inside and immediately called my big, strong, snake-killing brother. He dropped his fork at dinner and dashed to my rescue. What a great brother, right?

I suited up: shorts, t shirt, arctic faux-fur knee high boots, large shovel. A sight for sore eyes, indeed. By the time he got there, said snake (let’s call him Fred – I dont really like the name Fred so it works) and I had locked eyes. A couple tongue flicks later Fred was hiding beneath some twigs. This gave me enough time to wikipedia him up. Apparently Fred is an Eastern King Snake – non venomous and bad-ass. This guy is literally a black ninja. Kills copperheads, pit vipers, assasins, evil villians, the works. We tried to find him…and like the cool guy ninja he is…he was gone. Moral of the story: thanks Wiki! Because of you I got to meet a pretty wicked dude and my little Piper is A.OK. Check out these skills:

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Don’t worry, I left the back gate open for him so he could peace out at his leisure. I hope he doesn’t take advantage of my kindness and let his friends know about my place.

My skin is still crawling.

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Posted by: hortonandtheegg | April 30, 2008

Dear Mariah Carey,

I remember when we first met. Ahh your self titled debut was magic. 5 octave vocal range? Pop hits with a bluesy R&B feel? I was hooked. Indeed Mariah, I did have a vision of love.

Then daydream happened. Don’t think I wasn’t listening to that whole CD again after American Idol reminded me of ‘Always Be My Baby’. (David Cook! Woo!) In fact, I listened to it again today.

For some reason youtube doesn’t want me to share it….but here you go, if you are interested in sweet, sweet high school memories via the original: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d-Ja_86HdPc

Your Christmas CD was a smash and ‘All I want for Christmas is You’ is still being played EVERYWHERE. Dare I say, it’s one of my favorite christmas melodies (Behind Guster’s – Donde Esta Santa Claus.)

But then a wrong turn was taken and somehow we ended up dangerously in a land called Glitter. There was no going back. You broke my heart, Mariah, and the VCRs (Dont act like you had a dvd of Glitter, folks) of people in countless homes. I think that was about the time you started referring to yourself as Mimi. Did that VH1 divas special get to your head?

I’ve stuck by you though. We all make mistakes, after all. But Mariah, E=MC2? Really? This wasn’t a joke? You have a song called Touch My Body talking about waist wrapping thighs and dirty videos on youtube! YOU MENTIONED YOUTUBE IN A SONG!!!?! Mariah. Oh wow Mariah. Your once powerhouse vocals are now just overproduced and over enunciated whisperings. What happened to the good ol’ Mariah who always provided a powerful hook and jammin bridge? Sigh.

Anyway. Still love you. Still going to listen to that daydream album like there is no tomorrow. But listen, I think it’s time we took a break and started seeing other people. It’s not you, it’s me. Well, actually, it is you after all.

Posted by: hortonandtheegg | April 29, 2008

“Be Careful, You Might Get What You Wish For!”

April, 28, 2008

Prescription: Imagination rules the world, declared Napoleon Hill. Albert Einstein (thats right, old E=MC²) professed, Imagination is everything, its a preview of life’s coming attractions. Much has been written about how we are a product of our thoughts. Essentially, we are a self-fulfilling prophecy. The mind brings into reality the things it thinks about most.

However, our subconscious mind makes no distinction between positive and negative thoughts. If we fill our mind with doubt, fear and disbelief, if we lack self-confidence, if our self-image is negative, chances of our being successful are remote. We gravitate in the direction of our dominant thoughts. This is an extremely important principle. Think about something and you will move toward it, even if it is something you dont want.

Therefore, saying I don’t want to blow this opportunity or I better not miss this shot often will cause us to achieve the opposite of the desired resultin other words, failure. We get what we expect. Thats good news since we are in control of what we think about.

You decide what to put in your mind and so determine what you get back. Discipline your thoughts and you’ll determine what you reap. The average man quits at the first failure. Thats why there have been many average men and only one Thomas Edison, remarked Napoleon Hill. How true these words are.

Jim Dunn & John Schumann

Posted by: hortonandtheegg | April 14, 2008

Oh Tylenol Cold

So spring is in the air. With it brings flowers, caterpillars, green grass…and freaking pollen. At first I thought I was immune. One of the few who are invincible to it. And then it slapped me with all it’s yellow glory. So after a weekend of fevers, body aches, and sore throats the end is in sight. I lost my voice in the process so I sound kind of a mix between an aging lounge singer and a nicotine addicted hooker. Delicious.

There was one bright spot this weekend and it was brought to me by the makers of Tylenol. Those who know me know I HATE taking medicines. I will NEVER take pills (who needs a reason to choke?) So I have to be feeling pretty dang terrible to take something. Enter Tylenol Severe Cold LIQUID!! Okay at first it makes you feel whoosy like you would not believe but like 15 minutes later, I could be doing a marathon. That’s a bit of a stretch, but you get the picture. I don’t know what they put in that junk but bless you Tylenol…bless you.

So anywho, wish me luck.

Side note: Yep, Piper is sick too. There is nothing quite like waking up to dog puke in the morning. Piper and I have a bizarre E.T./Elliot relationship. If he is sick, I am sick and vice versa. If I’m sad then he is sad. It’s quite sweet when you think about it…until you wake up in puke.

Special shout out to Kyle for braving the sick frontier to bring me medicines and movies. You are truly amazing.

Posted by: hortonandtheegg | March 28, 2008

Dear MTV,

No one likes America’s Best Dance Crew. So stop the marathon.

Sincerely,
Horton

P.S. That goes for you too, America’s Next Top Model

Posted by: hortonandtheegg | March 27, 2008

HALLELUJAH!!

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I made it!! I made it!! 40 days without caffeine and I made it!! I’ll admit it was insanely difficult to go say nay to a sweet tea or a pepsi, but I did it. And true to the rules of Lent, I waited until after church on Easter to tear up some pavement to the closest store open. (Insert blue laws here.) Rite Aid – Bless you.

What was my drink of choice? Only the most amazing of all caffeinated beverages – the Dr. Pepper. I’m not going to lie. I had to put the car in park because I was that overcome by it’s delicious and long-awaited taste.

Ever since then it’s been one crazy caffeine fueled journey. Mountain dew, blessed white mochas from starbucks, sweet tea to my eyeballs. I’ll admit i’m jittery, disoriented, and have slightly lost my mind but oh man it was worth it.

So here’s to you, Dr. Pepper. We did it together!

Posted by: hortonandtheegg | March 18, 2008

Open Dialogue…

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…about Gilmore Girls. I admit when I first started hearing about it years ago I thought to myself “eh, no thanks.” I’m not one to jump on trends. If you could see my style (t-shirt and jeans) then you’d know i’m not even up to date on fashion trends. I waited until the last Harry Potter came out to read them (I don’t like waiting) and you saw how that turned out. Scroll through previous blogs to see my ode to all things Potter. Yes, I even have a magic wand.

Back to the subject at hand, I decided to give the gilmore girls a whirl when it started with season 1 on syndication (halellujah abc family.) Let me tell you – my life has been radically altered as a consequence. I DVR it everyday and have to watch it as soon as I get home. I envy their ability to always pepper a conversation with cryptic historical references. I find myself comparing my life to episodes. My dear, patient boyfriend has to hear me digest each episode in the afternoons. I’m hooked – and I’m okay with it. I feel attached in a sick way. For example: Rory was too good for Jess but was a total tramp about Dean! Breaking up a marriage??? (See what I mean?)

So here’s my point. If you are bored at 11am or 5pm, tune to abc family. One episode in – you’re an official Star’s Hollowite.

Posted by: hortonandtheegg | March 17, 2008

HOLD THE PHONE

Okay. I’ve come out of blogging hibernation because I’m literally flabbergasted at the court ruling today. $50 mil?? Really??

If you haven’t heard by now, Heather Mills was awarded in total $50 mil in her divorce settlement from Paul McCartney. Wait – correct me if I am wrong – but what did she do to contribute to his income? Why such the pay out? Granted, they have a child together, but the $50 mil should go to the kid then. Ugh. Disappointed in you England. Disappointed, indeed.

Let’s be honest, no one could replace Linda anyway.

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Long live the Beatles!!

Posted by: hortonandtheegg | March 2, 2008

M.I.A.

So I’ve gone missing for about two weeks. Currently my body is a war zone. I’ve gone from stomach bugs to migraines to most recently a cold who wants to be the flu. Bless whoever the fine folks are that make sore throat strips. Quick and massively effective.

Anywho, I’ll be back to regular blogging once my body declares peace. In the mean time, go watch a little movie called Once. It was shot with handi cams for 100K and it is one of the most moving movies you’ll see in a while. I didn’t even know it was up for an oscar, but there they are…winning it. Listen below to “falling slowly.”

Posted by: hortonandtheegg | February 24, 2008

Science vs God

“Let me explain the problem science has with Jesus Christ.” The atheist professor of philosophy pauses before his class and then asks one of his new students to stand.

“You’re a Christian, aren’t you, son?”

“Yes sir,” the student says.

“So you believe in God?”

“Absolutely.”

“Is God good?”

“Sure! God’s good.”

“Is God all-powerful? Can God do anything?”

“Yes.”

“Are you good or evil?”

“The Bible says I’m evil.”

The professor grins knowingly. “Aha! The Bible!” He considers for a moment.

“Here’s one for you. Let’s say there’s a sick person over here and you can cure him. You can do it. Would you help him? Would you try?”

“Yes sir, I would.”

“So you’re good…!”

“I wouldn’t say that.”

“But why not say that? You’d help a sick and maimed person if you could. Most of us would if we could. But God doesn’t.”

The student does not answer, so the professor continues. “He doesn’t, does he? My brother was a Christian who died of cancer, even though he prayed to Jesus to heal him. How is this Jesus good? Hmmm? Can you answer that one?”

The student remains silent.

“No, you can’t, can you?” the professor says. He takes a sip of water from a glass on his desk to give the student time to relax.

“Let’s start again, young fella Is God good?”

“Er…yes,” the student says.

“Is Satan good?”

The student doesn’t hesitate on this one. “No.”

“Then where does Satan come from?”

The student: “From…God…”

“That’s right. God made Satan, didn’t he? Tell me, son. Is there evil in this world?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Evil’s everywhere, isn’t it? And God did make everything, correct?”

“Yes.”

“So who created evil?” The professor continued, “If God created everything, then God created evil, since evil exists, and according to the principle that our works define who we are, then God is evil.”

Without allowing the student to answer, the professor continues: “Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things, do they exist in this world?”

The student: “Yes.”

“So who created them?”

The student does not answer again, so the professor repeats his question. “Who created them? There is still no answer. Suddenly the lecturer breaks away to pace in front of the classroom. The class is mesmerized.

“Tell me,” he continues onto another student. “Do you believe in Jesus Christ, son?”

The student’s voice is confident: “Yes, professor, I do.”

The old man stops pacing. “Science says you have five senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Have you ever seen Jesus?”

“No sir. I’ve never seen Him”

“Then tell us if you’ve ever heard your Jesus?”

“No, sir, I have not.”

“Have you ever actually felt your Jesus, tasted your Jesus or smelt your Jesus? Have you ever had any sensory perception of Jesus Christ, or God for that matter?”

“No, sir, I’m afraid I haven’t.”

“Yet you still believe in him?”

“Yes.”

“According to the rules of empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol, science says your God doesn’t exist. What do you say to that, son?”

“Nothing,” the student replies. “I only have my faith.”

“Yes, faith,” the professor repeats. “And that is the problem science has with God. There is no evidence, only faith.”

The student stands quietly for a moment, before asking a question of his own. “Professor, is there such thing as heat?”

“Yes,” the professor replies. “There’s heat.”

“And is there such a thing as cold?”

“Yes, son, there’s cold too.”

“No sir, there isn’t.”

The professor turns to face the student, obviously interested. The room suddenly becomes very quiet. The student begins to explain.

“You can have lots of heat, even more heat, super-heat, mega-heat, unlimited heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat, but we don’t have anything called ‘cold’. We can hit up to 458 degrees below zero, which is no heat, but we can’t go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold; otherwise we would be able to go colder than the lowest -458 degrees. Every body or object is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or transmit energy. Absolute zero (-458 F) is the total absence of heat. You see, sir, cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat we can measure in thermal units because heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.”

Silence across the room. A pen drops somewhere in the classroom, sounding like a hammer.

“What about darkness, professor. Is there such a thing as darkness?”

“Yes,” the professor replies without hesitation. “What is night if it isn’t darkness?”

“You’re wrong again, sir. Darkness is not something; it is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light, but if you have no light constantly you have nothing and it’s called darkness, isn’t it? That’s the meaning we use to define the word. In reality, darkness isn’t. If it were, you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn’t you?”

The professor begins to smile at the student in front of him. This will be a good semester. “So what point are you making, young man?”

“Yes, professor. My point is, your philosophical premise is flawed to start with, and so your conclusion must also be flawed.”

The professor’s face cannot hide his surprise this time. “Flawed? Can you explain how?”

“You are working on the premise of duality,” the student explains. “You argue that there is life and then there’s death; a good God and a bad God. You are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, science can’t even explain a thought. It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life, just the absence of it.”

“Now tell me, professor. Do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?”

“If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, young man, yes, of course I do.”

“Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?”

The professor begins to shake his head, still smiling, as he realizes where the argument is going. A very good semester, indeed.

“Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor, are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you now not a scientist, but a preacher?”

The class is in uproar. The student remains silent until the commotion has subsided.

“To continue the point you were making earlier to the other student, let me give you an example of what I mean.”

The student looks around the room. “Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the professor’s brain?” The class breaks out into laughter.

“Is there anyone here who has ever heard the professor’s brain, felt the professor’s brain, touched or smelled the professor’s brain? No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established rules of empirical, stable, demonstrable protocol, science says that you have no brain, with all due respect, sir. So if science says you have no brain, how can we trust your lectures, sir?”

Now the room is silent. The professor just stares at the student, his face unreadable.

Finally, after what seems an eternity, the old man answers. “I guess you’ll have to take them on faith.”

“Now, you accept that there is faith, and, in fact, faith exists with life,” the student continues. “Now, sir, is there such a thing as evil?”

Now uncertain, the professor responds, “Of course, there is. We see it everyday. It is in the daily example of man’s inhumanity to man. It is in the multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world. These manifestations are nothing else but evil.”

To this the student replied, “Evil does not exist sir, or at least it does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to describe the absence of God.

God did not create evil. Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God’s love present in his heart. It’s like the cold that comes when there is no heat or the darkness that comes when there is no light.”

The professor sat down.

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