Today I had a really long day at work and I got home and wanted to eat some fruit, watch TV, and hit the sack. I got home and let Piper (pictured above) outside to…you know…do his business. So I was standing at the back door minding my own business when 3 feet away from him crawled:

At this point I was terrified. TERRIFIED. I screamed for Piper in a colorful language to get back inside and immediately called my big, strong, snake-killing brother. He dropped his fork at dinner and dashed to my rescue. What a great brother, right?

I suited up: shorts, t shirt, arctic faux-fur knee high boots, large shovel. A sight for sore eyes, indeed. By the time he got there, said snake (let’s call him Fred – I dont really like the name Fred so it works) and I had locked eyes. A couple tongue flicks later Fred was hiding beneath some twigs. This gave me enough time to wikipedia him up. Apparently Fred is an Eastern King Snake – non venomous and bad-ass. This guy is literally a black ninja. Kills copperheads, pit vipers, assasins, evil villians, the works. We tried to find him…and like the cool guy ninja he is…he was gone. Moral of the story: thanks Wiki! Because of you I got to meet a pretty wicked dude and my little Piper is A.OK. Check out these skills:

Don’t worry, I left the back gate open for him so he could peace out at his leisure. I hope he doesn’t take advantage of my kindness and let his friends know about my place.

My skin is still crawling.